old patterns never die; they just go on and on

Part of my whole ADHD reality is how well I have been able to mask it. I actually started following ADHD people on Twitter because I started following people with Autism Spectrum Disorder first, and the two conditions often coexist in the same person. And I have suspected that I was on the spectrum for several years now, after reading articles like this one.

It seems pretty clear that most of my dysfunction arises from the ADHD rather than the (possible) ASD, but the other day I came across this thread that has a list of questions that might help identify a person who is skilled at masking autism. I want to think about these:

1. Have you ever felt as if you were missing the built-in instruction manual that everyone else seemed to possess? Did you spend an inordinate amount of time learning to copy the behavior of other kids so that they wouldn’t realize you were different?

YES. I feel this way every day. Like an alien among human beings.

2. Are you able to make eye contact, but would much rather NOT make eye contact? Have you taught yourself to ‘cheat’ by looking between the eyes or at the eyebrow? Does eye contact make it harder to think clearly?

I hate making eye contact though I do it. I remember getting in trouble with my dad for not making eye contact, and him telling me that I had to, as a sign of respect, and then I was over the top making eye contact all the time. I was able to figure out how to make eye contact like normal people do and after some practice I got pretty good at it. but I don’t like doing it.

3. When you’re alone do you make random noises or repeat interesting words to yourself? Do you move your hands or feet because staying still feels ‘wrong?’ Bonus points if you do this around other people.

I don’t do the noise/word thing, but this might be because I got in trouble for it when I was little. I also sit very still, but again, this is because I got in trouble for fidgeting.

4. Do people refer to you as a ’space cadet’ or a ‘day-dreamer’, even though those terms make no sense to you? Do you appreciate unusual things like constellations in the popcorn ceiling, tricks of light, numbers and textures?

Oh yes, I am definitely referred to as these things, but I also know what these things mean. They mean me, and people like me. I absolutely get fascinated by patterns in ordinary things. Those random tile arrangements where most of the tiles are white but there’s a colored one here and there – I try to spot patterns in those. There’s a sort of a textured pattern in the frosted glass in our bathroom and I like combining different ones to come up with different shapes.

5. Do your anxiety levels spike when there is a change of plans, or when somebody calls, rings a doorbell or sends an email/text? Do people perceive you as rude and antisocial for being unappreciative of their surprise attacks?

YES. My mom told me that I used to freak out when things changed when I was little. I still get anxious at unexpected changes. If the bus is late, or a fire drill, or the fucking COVID-19. The Mighty Sam pokes gentle fun at me for hiding when the pizza delivery person rings the doorbell, but I actually do this. I also panic when the phone rings. Fortunately in this day and age it’s considered more or less ok to screen your calls so I don’t often find myself actually having to ANSWER the phone when it rings. And I have a My Favorite Murder ringtone on my cell phone, which is a sound I like, so that helps. As far as others being unappreciative – mostly I’ve been able to pretend to be a normal person so I don’t think I put people off with my reactions. I also have trouble getting back to people, but I think that is more of an ADHD thing than an autism thing.

6. Do you have a hard time understanding why people feel the way they do without a personal point of reference? Are you able to relate much more once you’ve tied their experience to something that’s happened to you?

Oh certainly. In fact reading this, it is hard for me to understand that people would not need to do this to understand others. Doesn’t everybody do this? Doesn’t everybody try to be a kinder, more compassionate person by making others more real to you? I was able to understand why people want kids and have kids when I compared that to how much I love cats and how important it is for me to have them. I also know that this analogy will probably make some people think I am out of my mind. I also think I’m going to have to think about this some more because I actually don’t think this is something I ever knew about neurotypicals.

7. Do people jokingly call you ‘OCD’ for your organizational strategies or list making, even though there are perfectly rational reasons for your behavior? Does this ‘obsessive’ behavior also bring you a sense of calm and order when you’re allowed to see it though to completion?

Here’s another one where I think my ADHD is probably helping to mask the ASD. No one would ever think I was OCD because of the piles of mess and disorder that are always part of my environment. However, I do have techniques and methods that are exacting and I sometimes frustrate other people by insisting on doing things a certain way. I have learned to back WAY off on this stuff, and instead remind myself that it’s the end result that’s important, not the path, and that other people have their own paths. And, relating to #6 above, I remind myself that other people have their own methods that are as important to them as my methods are to me.

8. Do you have social anxiety, but only because you have a hefty track record of rejection due to missed social cues, difficulty navigating conversations and an inability to understand what other people are thinking?

Yes, yes, and yes. This goes back to being in elementary school and being the weird kid that nobody liked. I tried to act like other kids but somehow I could never get it right and i was always the weirdo. I continued fucking things up through, well, now, but I got better at masking as time went on. Also, I have been able to find others who either are accepting of neurodiverse people, or who are neurodiverse themselves. This is something I want to write more on later, but I think there is a sizeable segment of the neurotypical population that senses and dislikes neurodiverse people, like, intensely. Because there have always been those people I’ve run into who have taken an instant, massive dislike to me with no apparent reason.

9. Do you avoid places because of the overwhelming noise, visual clutter, bright lights or overwhelming smells? Do you avoid busy stores and do your shopping when things aren’t as busy?

YES. And this is not just stores (though I love that feature on Google Maps where it will tell you when a business is busiest). I hate noisy restaurants too. I have never been able to understand people who like to go out to bars or dance clubs and that is having a good time. How can you have a good time when you can’t hear anything? I also hate riding the bus when it’s crowded and I purposely take buses that are earlier or later than the regular commute time so that I can avoid this as much as possible. Same with getting in to work and taking lunch breaks. I’ll do an early or late lunch to avoid lunch crowding, and I will leave a little bit later than everyone else at work to avoid crowded elevators. Or just take the stairs. I’d say part of my very strong motivation to stay mobile and in good shape is to have the ability to manage my neurodiversity.

10. Do you have a built-in ‘BS detector’ and despise playing along with things that infantilize you? Have people said you’re ‘not a team player’ for complaining about pointless gift exchanges or parties? Do you need to understand the purpose of a task?

Oh for sure. I hate “team building exercises” with a passion. I hate doing stupid pointless activities. I don’t like parties. I especially don’t like it when there’s a retirement or baby shower or some shit and I DON’T KNOW THE PERSON, but they happen to be someone I work with or around. However, if I know people and get the reason I’m ok with it. My current work group does birthdays, cards, and potluck parties all the time but because I know all the people well and like them all (and they seem to like me) it makes perfect sense to participate.

11. When you get happy and excited, do people say you’re ‘too much’ or tell you to calm down? Are you unusually animated when genuinely excited, yet find it hard to fake this enthusiasm on demand for others?

I think I’ve been able to manage my life so that I am mainly around people who can handle my weirdnesses. I do get super excited about stuff like Star Trek or cats or seagulls but fortunately The Mighty Sam just seems to be amused by it, and my friends also are extremely indulgent. but yes, I have definitely found that my enthusiasm is seen as “not cool.” I’m thinking about Wil Wheaton’s definition of “geek” where he explains it as being genuinely super excited about and interested in a thing. I for sure can’t fake enthusiasm on demand but I can understand and appreciate it in others.

12. Do you feel so closely connected to your hobbies that you can blissfully engage in them for hours and have a hard time stopping for anything else? Does losing interest in them make you feel as if you’ve lost a part of yourself?

Oh yes, I can lose myself for hours in things I’m interested in. This is another ADHD-ASD overlap, I think. I don’t think I lose interest in things too much (there’s the ADHD thing where you get totally into a thing for a while and then you lose follow-through so you stop, but that’s different). But when something is done, like when we finishing watching Season 2 of “Mindhunter,” I felt bereft.

13. Is driving a stressful and exhausting experience for you? Do you tend to take the same familiar route every time and even go so far as to avoid stressful intersections and fast highways? Do you struggle making quick decisions behind the steering wheel?

Generally driving is a fun and interesting thing to do, when I know where I’m going and have a podcast to listen to. but these are adaptations I’ve made to make the experience work for me. I do like to take the same route every time and I definitely plan routes to avoid the difficult spots. I also get super stressed if I have passengers that are not The Mighty Sam. Even with The Mighty Sam I sometimes get anxious. I am also slow on making quick decisions while driving. Part of this is that I sometimes have difficulty with left and right. I have accepted the idea that I am going to make wrong driving decisions sometimes and it’s ok if I just drive to the next exit and double back, or pull over in a parking lot and fire up Google Maps. Google Maps is such a blessing for neurodiverse people.

14. Do you feel as if you relate to animals more than other people? As a child, did you secretly suspect that you were from another planet or species than that of your classmates? When meeting someone similar to yourself, do you feel like you’re ‘home’, so to speak?

I am the kind of person who is way more comfortable at a gathering or a party if there’s a cat I can pet. I used to jokingly say I look less like a human and more like an elf (which is why The Mighty Sam calls me “Elf” or “Elves” – I am plural!), but it’s not really a joke. And, yes, my neuro-indulgent friends seem like home.

15. Do you abhor the idea of making conversation with people who share nothing in common with you? Would you happily go out of your comfort zone to talk with others about a shared hobby or passion?

Yes, there are situations where you’re supposed to be chatting with someone and NOTHING HAPPENS. You’re like, ‘Hey, how are you doing?” and the person says, “Fine,” and then nothing? WTF is up with that? How do you proceed? Now I have a store of topics and questions I can pull out (the weather! It’s always different, and there’s something to like or hate about it!), so it’s not so horrible, but man. To me, a conversation should be for a reason. Let’s talk about how cute your dog is, or have an exchange where we are being as absurd as possible, or which Star Trek series is your favorite, but let’s not talk at all if you are too cool for stupid jokes.

16. Do people assume you’re angry at them when you’re not? Do you smile or laugh inappropriately, upsetting others? Have people told you that you have a ‘resting bitch face’?

I do have RBF, which I actually like because I feel it is a good defense mechanism in crowded places. I think I’ve also gotten a lot more leeway since I am now middle aged and no one is invested in me being a sex object for them. I think I have figured out how not to smile or laugh inappropriately anymore, but I sure have been told that I am awkward and inappropriate over the years.

17. Do you have an unusually monotonous or singsong voice? Do you have a hard time modulating your volume and speak with inappropriate volume for the situation?

I don’t think my voice is monotone or singsong, but it may have been when I was younger. When I listen to my voice on recordings, I think I sound very sarcastic. I do still have a hard time modulating my volume. DON’T BE SO LOUD – I can’t tell you how many times people have told me this. Sometimes I talk too quietly now, because I am so afraid of being too loud.

18. Have you purposely chosen interests that fly under the radar as ‘normal’, yet you still prefer to enjoy peripheral aspects of that interest, such as studying the stats of baseball players or making elaborate backstories for your Barbie dolls?

I think I’m fortunate to live in an era where there’s a large population of people who think it’s ok to have interests that are not “normal.” I don’t do cosplay but that looks super fun to me. I’m good reading children’s literature. And of course I am obsessed with Star Trek and cats. And seagulls.

19. Do you find it inordinately difficult to listen to someone when other people are talking? Do you have a hard time carrying on a conversation in a loud or crowded place?

YES. See #9 above! i only recently learned that neurotypical people actually CAN hear each other in these situations, which makes me understand a lot better why they can tolerate those places. I used to think they also couldn’t hear each other but that somehow, that was still fun for them.

20. Do emotions and sensory overload build up into a thunderstorm of rage that you have no choice but to ride out until it passes? This might be a meltdown. Alternately, does the buildup result in you retreating from the world and ‘zoning out’? This would be a ‘shutdown’.

I don’t do meltdowns – I may have when I was a little kid, and these days I get in states where I FEEL like I want to just scream and scream, but I don’t actually do it. I do get so upset and overwhelmed that I have to take time to be alone. I wonder sometimes if that’s what my migraines are – they hurt so much that I am FORCED to have downtime.

21. While not officially criteria, this is something that many autistics will relate to: Do gender, romantic and sexuality norms seem arbitrary and fake? Even if you don’t identify as LGBTQ+, do you hesitate when referring to yourself as cisgender or heterosexual?

I don’t think norms seem fake, but I also don’t think it should be hard to understand and accept that these norms are not exclusive. It is seriously a mystery to me why anyone would care about anyone else’s gender, sexuality, or romantic orientation. It shouldn’t matter unless you and the other person are actually considering having some kind of sexual and/or romantic encounter or relationship. Otherwise, why does it have to be a big deal?

22. Have you developed coping mechanisms such as lists, schedules, stacks of paper, alarms and reminders to help you function as an adult? Would you still be able to get by without them?

YES. This is also because of my ADHD. I could probably manage for a very short time without them – like when I have left my to-do notebook at work, which I do sometimes – but I would get lost within a few days. I can only manage to do things if i have developed a cast-iron habit for it (my morning get-ready-for-work routine), or if I have it on a list, or have a cell phone reminder. When I was young and had a young person’s memory, I was able to manage some stuff a little better – even though I had executive dysfunction my raw memory ability was pretty good so that helped me a lot.

23. Do you go through periods where you can’t even remember how to make dinner or get ready for work, and even the easiest of tasks seem insurmountable because you can’t fathom completing the steps to completion?

Yes. This is another ADHD overlap. Sometimes i will need to do a thing and I will just have no idea what to do. or I will forget what the first step is. Or it will just seem SO HUGE that I just can’t imagine how I can ever do it, or anything, ever again.

++++++

I do have a follow up with the psychologist to talk about ASD, on the 19th, so I hope to get some more insight there.

Once that is settled – Dx or no Dx – I will look into using my work EAP plan to get some therapy. They have a list of providers, and you have to call to find out who is on the list. I hope they will have someone who specializes in neurodiversity.