I’m cleaning up. One of the things that is super hard to do when you have ADHD is get things clean and organized. Another thing that’s hard to do is keep them clean and organized. Adderall seems to help this quite a bit. There seems to be a little boost between wanting a thing to be done, and getting it done. There also seems to be a little push to doing things to completion rather than half-assing things.

My office room is actually starting to look better. I’ve gotten all my old trial files mostly organized. I still haven’t settled on a storage method for them, but at least they are now organized into individual trials and in two file boxes, which is a start. (Why are you saving them at all? partly nostalgia, partly because I want to refer to them when I think about legal things.) You can see the floor in most of the room.

I probably don’t realize the extent that Adderall is helping me deal with my COVID-19 anxiety.

One of the things I’m cleaning up is random pieces of paper. One of these random pieces of paper is jotted on the back of a Cat-A-Day calendar page. It is titled “Lies Anxiety Tells Me.” This was inspired by something I read or heard somewhere: your anxiety is lying to you.

So I wanted to memorialize that here; that way I can recycle the piece of paper instead of saving it.

I haven’t said a whole lot about emotional dysregulation in general. or rejection sensitive dysphoria in particular, but I think what I think of as my anxiety is bound up with this.

I think a good example of my RSD is when i was waiting in line at the water taxi, and I started walking up to the ticket taker too soon, and got yelled at to wait. I felt TERRIBLE. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to never ride the water taxi again. I was angry at myself for misjudging the cues. I ran it over and over in my mind, cringing with embarrassment. And the next time I walked up to that ticket guy I apologized for screwing up the last time even though he probably didn’t remember it.

Adderall helps me not react to things so severely.

But this list – i must have jotted it down last summer because the date of the calendar page is July 22, 2019.

  • I’m boring
  • I’m sick
  • I’m weak
  • I’m lazy
  • I am a failure as a human being
  • Nobody cares about what I have to say
  • I don’t deserve nice things
  • I don’t deserve to rest
  • I’m stupid and awkward
  • I’m going to screw things up
  • I’m forgettable and boring

So, that’s a pretty shitty list. And it’s shitty to feel that way about yourself. The evidence indicates that none of those things are true, but it’s hard to acknowledge that when you are in an emotional dysregulatory spiral.

Also, fuck COVID-19, and fuck the Drumpf administration for screwing things up. This is going to be WAY worse than it had to be. I’m hoping local and state public health will step in at at least help us here in Washington. I’m grateful to see that the Gates Foundation is going to help provide testing. Testing is key. We HAVE to know who has it in order to minimize spread.